I know I’ve told this story before elsewhere, but what the hell, I’ve just been laid off, I’ve earned the right to repeat myself for a week or two. One of my favorite memories from my childhood is the monthly routine of rushing over to my buddy Andrew’s house to check out the latest freshly-arrived issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly. I never had a subscription personally until I was on my own in college — blame my lower-middle class upbringing or something — but it only strengthened my friendship with Andrew. After he’d wrinkled all the pages with his own eager hands, he would call me up and summon me to his house. I’d race across the few blocks between us on my bicycle, drop the bike in his yard, and rush into the house to start taking in all the latest videogame news, previews, and reviews for myself.
And I would read each issue of EGM the exact same way Andrew did: page by page. I know a lot of people treat all magazines like catalogs, flipping around and reading only the stuff they’re interested in, but with EGM it was always an every-single-page, every-single-word affair for me. I even wasted minutes on every ad, relishing each hyperbolic box quote and imagining games that lived up to the PR promises. Every single page, every single word.
These days, I read a lot of magazines, some of which I read more or less completely — Edge, Entertainment Weekly — and plenty of which I flip through selectively in the way most readers are probably used to. But from my first time getting my dirty paws on a copy right up until the very last published issue with the excellent Wolverine: Origins cover story by fellow eat-sleep-gamer Nick Suttner, EGM remains the only magazine that compelled me consistently to read every single page, every single word.
I’ll be honest about something I don’t think I’ve ever admitted publicly: When I entered the office on my first day of work as news editor at 1UP.com, I quickly encountered a bit of disappointment. My time with the website was amazing, as were the people I was surrounded by, but there was a part of my brain, way in the back, that kept whispering, “This is it?” during my first couple of weeks. Part of this probably has to do with the fact that I was freelancing news for 1UP for a year before I got hired, so I was used to seeing my name on the website, and I wasn’t yet involved with the most exciting things 1UP had to offer (the 1UP Show and 1UP FM), but whatever the reasons, it happened. But although it took months of being around the office and making a name for myself to happen, there was one part of the job that absolutely never lost its sense of wonder: seeing my name attached to a printed article in an issue of EGM.
Though I was only involved with the magazine for its final batch of issues, I got the chance to write a sizable amount of content — a couple of big previews (Tomb Raider: Underworld, Batman: Arkham Asylum) and some pinch-me-I-must-be-dreaming level reviews (LittleBigPlanet, Fallout 3, World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King). Every time I saw a “by Philip Kollar” by-line, my heart swelled with overwhelming pride. I’d carry a folded-up issue around under my arms on the San Francisco BART ride to and from work for days after receiving it, giant grin plastered across my face. Strangers probably thought I was the dopiest nerd on the train, but at least I was a goddamn happy nerd. And although we don’t talk much these days, I like to imagine that my old friend Andrew was still getting those issues and reading them cover-to-cover as well, and hopefully he also felt some joy knowing that those afternoons spent getting my fingerprints all over his magazines are what inspired me to set getting my name in it as a lifetime goal.
I guess what I’m trying to say is: Sure, I got laid off. Yes, it sucks. But at least I went out alongside a giant, and at least I can live my life knowing that I was able to be a part of that amazing publication, however briefly. It’s one thing on my “List of Things to Do Before I Die” that can be soundly and safely crossed off. My heart goes out to those who grew up just a little bit later than me, read the magazine and dreamed their dreams of being in it a year or two or three later than I did.
But as sad as we all rightfully are at the passing of EGM, we also all need to remember that the dream isn’t really dead; it’s merely transformed. In the past 48 hours I have had tens if not hundreds of people — fans, friends, and family alike — ask me what my plans are, understandably. I asked the same of a lot of people on our last day in the office. But the answer is obvious and self-explanatory: The plan is to write, to podcast, and to continue trying to create intelligent conversations about games. Some of that will happen right here on eat-sleep-game and Rebel FM, some will happen on other websites and podcasts where we’re able to scrounge up work, and hopefully lots will happen in the lives of those who are reading this. The HTML address may have changed, and the future may be a bit less clear, but we’re going to keep doing what we always have, and we hope you’ll come along for the ride.
i cant wait to see whats instore from you and all the other guys in the future weather it be Rebel FM or not
keep on keepin on dude
all my respects
Count me in. For all of it.
Keep up the good work bro, I look forward to seeing whatever you land next. It’ll get better, my company just axed 250+ jobs today, I dodged the bullet on that, but I know some that didn’t.
Great post, Phil. You know I (along with everyone else at CoG) will be rooting for you. We love you, Kef!
P.S. I expect you to come hang out again soon.
Im buckled in and ready for the trip Mr Kollar.
Very well written, sir. You know, as crushed as I was upon hearing the news, I’m more excited now than anything. What happened was terrible, but I’ve been following you and so many others at 1UP for long enough to know that the talent that was there will not go to waste. I have faith that everyone who was laid off is going to find–or make–new opportunities for themselves to succeed in ways that they may not have even been able to before.
Nice post man, keep up the good work.
I’m super stoked to see what the freedom from corporate America lets you guys do (even if that is just about the most selfish thing I can say right now.)
Don’t let the bastards get you down.
Great article. I have to say that just makes me want to write more and more and work even harder to find my place in the industry. The 1upshow, podcasts, and EGM in general made me push myself to work harder at being a better writer. This post only makes it all the more appealing to me. (It doesn’t hurt that i am currently listening to “Sweet Child O’ Mine” either.)
I’m excited to follow you guys on new adventures! I’m glad you all bounced back so fast!!
you have my sword
Great job with Rebel FM! I’m looking forward to whatever the old 1up/EGM crew does in the future!
And Nick, may your beard grow like the mighty oak…
Preach, man. I too read each EGM I ever got from cover to cover. I’m sad to say that I only got a subscription last year, but the very first issue I received from a friend (back when I was small enough and the mag was big enough that I could barely hold it over me head) filled me with absolute wonder and interest in videogames.
I’m sure you and all the other 1Up-almuni will continue to inspire gamers for years to come.
Phil and the ex-1up crew. First I want to say I wish you all the best. You all elevated the discussion of videogames. The entire 1up crew was able to take the work seriously without taking themselves too seriously. Your passion and hard work was apparent and you entertained me for hours.
The timing of this is odd for me. In the past few weeks I was also laid off and I have spent much of my newly acquired free time listening to all the old podcasts. So I feel your pain and will miss your work very much.
I’m pushing towards the older spectrum of gamers (I’m 30) so I’ve been a fan of EGM since the beginning. It was the one gaming mag that felt like it was all done for the reader and not the publishers or the developers. It’s sad that a needed voice in the industry has been silenced.
I look forward to see what all of you will do going forward. I thought the first episode of Rebel FM was great especially considering the circumstances. Phil I look forward to your appearance on the GWJ conference call (another intelligent voice in gaming) and I hope you all realize that your efforts were appreciated.
Philip,
It’s a real shame what happened at 1up this last week, and as sad as I am that I won’t be hearing any more of the amazing podcasts I loved and followed each and every week, I’m ecstatic that you are doing well and will continue doing what you loved and were so good at. I have high hopes that this site or perhaps another that you and the other 1up employees start up will reach Giant Bomb success. I know you all deserve nothing else. Thank you for all your hard work and dedication.
I had just moved to San Francisco this week and was planning on taking a trip down to bring the offices with an equally-enthusiastic friend of mine with the traditional bottle of liquor when all of this went down.
I’ve been listening to all of the podcasts since they started, and even listened to The Sports Anamoly despite not caring about sports and Legendary Thread even though I dislike MMORPGs. It really wasn’t just about the content, it was about listening to a group of people obviously happy with each others company talk about something they’re passionate about, and as long as you keep that going you really can’t help but attract listeners. I just wanted to post and say I’m sure many of us will be along for the ride.
Huge props to all of you guys. It has been amazing to hear how positive you all have been given the situation. I’m looking forward to hear and see more from you guys!
A touching reflection on the passing of a giant; for what it’s worth, it is the contribution you – along with Nick, Anthony, Tina and the other 1UP FMers – made to the conversation about video games which is my outstanding gaming memory of 2008.
Long may your ink flow, sir!
I admit that I am in no way a long-time EGM reader. Being only 20-years of age, I actually grew up with Expert Gamer, which originally debuted as EGM2, a more strategy-focused version of our beloved Electronic Gaming Monthly. When Expert Gamer became GameNOW and subsequently died off, EGM replaced it in my mailbox and didn’t stop coming until the Wolverine-covered swan song.
EGM was a great magazine, with tons of talented people backing it. James Mielke, Dan Hsu, Jen Tsao, Shan Bett…Bentun…uh, Shane, and everyone else I could readily name in this comment were all some of the major personalities that gave game criticism a good name, and made 1UP and all of its podcasts incredible.
EGM will be dearly missed. I think that goes without saying. Rest in peace. I just wish it had gotten a more exciting final issue.
Great to see the spirit of 1UP & EGM living on. Just popped 10 bucks into the pot. I need my gaming podcasts to make my journey to work bearable.
EGM is dead. Long live Rebel FM.
Great insight on the death of a great magazine. Keep up for good work, whatever the medium may be. I’ll be following you and all the other guys in whatever the future may hold.
Great article and somewhat sad. I will miss EGM, it’s been such a huge part of my life since damn near the beginning (yes, I know who Ed Semrad is). Now whenever I take a shit I guess I’ll just have to be content with twiddling my thumbs instead of reading EGM.
I must admit that it really shocked me when I first heard the news. More than I ever expected a website to affect me emotionally.
The thing that I (and I’m not the only one) liked the most about 1up was how much the users could interact with the staff, wether through blog comments or mailbags, and how much of themselves all of the 1up guys put themselves out there. I mean, it’s not every day you hear about an editor-in-chief’s marriage proposal in the news section of a gaming website. Every week I was looking forward to all of the podcasts, blog posts, reviews and previews that I felt were really genuine and set 1up apart from any other gaming site.
With the team essentially gone I don’t know how I should feel about what’s left of 1up. Of course there are still some people from the old crew left who didn’t get the axe but who knows if the new higher-ups will force them into a Jeff Gerstmann-style fiasco or not. We’ll see.
Best of luck to all of you in whatever career, hobby or long-time goal in life you choose to pursue next and excuse the disjointed thoughts and run-on sentences. So long.
I can’t wait to see more and I do hope you guys don’t go in completely separate ways.
Hey Phillip, sorry to hear about the lay-off. I actually knew someone at 1up that was laid off, but you wouldn’t know her because she was in ad sales. I had a class with her a few years back.
I definitely know you you feel in regards to seeing your by-line in EGM. I remember the first time I saw my name in print. It was actually in PSX Magazine or something like that, when one of my letters to the editor made it in the mag. I was like 9 or 10 at the time, and read and sent mail to almost every mag in existence.
That second moment came just this past year, with my freelanced reviews for GameSpot. I’m not the fan of GS that I once was, but it is a bit unreal to see your name on an article published on a site that you followed for so many years.
What brings me the most joy now is just working on my site, Gamer 2.0, everyday in hopes of joining the ranks of 1up, IGN, and GameSpot. My wish though, is that we’re better.
But I’m also glad that this post was so much more optimistic than what I had expected upon seeing the ominous title. You at least recognized the opportunity you had, and I’m glad you cherished it.
Good luck with this blog and whatever else you work on.
I know what you mean about hanging on every page of EGM. I loved that magazine and it helped influence to become a game developer.
I wish you all the best and I’ve already subscribe to your podcast in iTunes. Please post links to any work you do.
Take care.
That is the very sentiment I need from you guys right now, especially in the wake of my raging depression over the dissolution of 1UP. Thanks for cheering me up Pko. I think I speak for many of us fans in saying, ‘if you build it, we will pay for it’;) 5 bucks is on the way to your paypal as we speak, with more to follow assuming it is used wisely (Make sure Chuf doesn’t jack that shit). I hope everyone following you guys (which seems to be a sizeable crowd) will walk a similar path and spend a few bucks a week in support of the content that gets us through our long work days. F@*K the empire.
I’ve always wanted a copy of EGM ever since joining the 1UP site – almost three years ago. Living in the UK didn’t help, it was only until last august when I got the chance to travel to the US for a friend’s wedding. Seriously, one of the first things that sprang to mind was the need to purchase the latest EGM.
It was oddly difficult to come by on my journey, but I guess I was taking the tourist route in most cases. However I did finally find it, and I bought two copies of the same issue! It was Milky’s first issue as EiC with the SC4 cover. I was so happy.
I’m so glad I bought it as the magazine was really cool, and the content as seriously astounding. I was considering a sub, might’ve cost a bit considering the postage but the want was there… I guess I cannot feel disheartened to the level of those that have had EGM in their lives since day one, but it is quite saddening.
I really enjoyed reading about how you got into loving the mag Phil.
. More more MORE!!
twitter.com/saileshonline
Hi Phil, great to read you again
Being from the UK EGM was never on my radar as a kid. It wasn’t something I was even aware of until the internet got big. So I’m coming at this purely from a 1UP perspective. I guess I feel much the same as everyone else – It’s strange really, I’ve gone through various emotions on all of your behalf: 1)Shock
2)Outrage 3)Disappointment 4)Acceptance and now I’m at 5)Excitement. F*cking crazy… I’ve never even met you guys, but I love what you all bring to the table and I want you to be able to keep doing it.
I’m thrilled that you guys are keeping this going, count me in for the ride bro. Good luck!
Phil… man, do you even understand how heartwarming this is? First the rebel fm podcast, and now this (bitter) sweet trip to the past.
In a way, everything that happened this week with 1UP and your lives has kind of been a good in retrospective. It made me realize how IMPORTANT your work is for me and probably thousands of other gamers out there.
Keep on doing whatever you’re doing, because it’s awesome and high quality and the world needs it. Oh and I’m totally willing to pay money for it too
Peace,
D
Keep up the great work Phil on the podcasts and everything. I am really sad about 1up and EGM but it only makes way for bigger and better things. Keep me posted on how things go for u Nick, Anthony,and the others as I will remain to watch for each of next work. I anticipate the next podcast.
Thanks.
Great post. Your story about growing up with EGM really resonates with me. I’ve always read every single word and really relished my time magazine. Later I got into 1up as well. I’ve seen every episode of the 1up show and I listened to all the podcasts (except the sports anomaly), so when the news hit a few days ago, I was devastated. I felt like I’d lost some of the best friends I’d never met.
Seeing what you guys are doing though…it’s just so uplifting. What made 1up so great was the having all those great folks (including you guys) at one place. Ex-1UP’ers doing something like this together is just fantastic. I think you’ll see that a lot of people will be along for the ride, Kollar.
Rock on.
I know the financial weight of it is probably stacked against you guys, but it would be nice if you made your own video game magazine. Of course, it’s probably wiser to take the web-based route, but I’d definitely be willing to support you guys if you decided to make a mag.
Also, Phil, thanks for the heart-felt words about those who were unable to get their names in EGM. I always dreamed of doing so myself, but I was too late. I’m happy that you followed through on your dream.
*raise a glass or bottle*
to new beginnings.
So glad to see this web site ! crazy week for lots of people for many reasons. bumped into this link off of 1up. I will be back, thanks you guys seeing this just made me feel alot better !!!! RIP EGM
I always read EGM like that too, in order, every word, since I was a kid.
To be honest, I was never a big fan of EGM, here in Australia a new issue can cost around 15 to 20 dollars. Your podcasts on the other hand, I loved. The 1up podcasts provided me with something far more important than any review or preview could, instead of having to digest a cold and hard review I could listen to friends talk shit about games. That was always what I thought made 1up special, rather than try to keep an impossible professional facade you guys just acted like yourselves.
If you guys are ever in South Australia let it be known, you guys deserve a free ozzie beer and a kangaroo steak (or if any members of the Lan Party come down they should try a Tim Tam, the worlds greatest candy).
THis is just an idea, but maybe you could put up some of your 1up swag on Ebay and link it here for us to bid on, it could be a great way to raise money for the new RebelFM. And you never know what people might want, old tshirts etc…
It could be worse. At least you still have a penis.
And that’s all that matters. <3
OMG, I cannot wait to see what you guys are going to be doing! You all are such great individuals and I love all the support that everybody is giving you. RebelFM is amazing and I cannot wait to hear more. Keep it up guys!
Phil et al. I want to thank you so much. For the last few days I’ve done my best to show my support for those who have been hit the hardest, but now I think you’ve opened up a space for those secondarily effected. You see, I’m one of those guys you mentioned who grew up just a little bit after you. Ever since I heard the news of EGM’s closure I put on a tough face and tried to smile for you guys, but in the back of my mind there was always a little voice trying to express the devestation I felt. I really, truly saw EGM as a future for me, and the loss of such a goal during my Junior year of college has really been hard. I just want you to know that I’m grateful for all the inspiration and guidance you and your colleages have given me over the years. Here you have shown me that this has merely been the “death” of a dream.
I just found this website reading the boards I’m so glad to have found it. I will be here every step of the way. Great job you guys
A lot of people are supporting the idea of finding a way to get the final EGM printed. Posting in Milky’s latest blog post at
1up.http://www.1up.com/do/blogEntry?bId=8978092&publicUserId=4549175
Beautiful sentiment. And it answers my question of whether it is better to have loved and lost or never to have loved at all too.
Ill be along for the ride, and let me know where the paypal button is.
What a great news to see you guys getting on your feet. The important thing is being able to get back up, and im sure you guys will rise high and achieve great things. Count me in, i have been a big fan for a long time, and now im excited about what you guys have in store. Keep doing what you do, you’re the best at it.
It’s great to read you again! Keep on keeping on!
Great Job on powering on, i feel your guys’ pain.
Chin up mate! Nerd fans are always the most loyal we will support you where you go!
GL!!
Well, as they say it… shit happens. It doesn’t matter how many times or how hard you fall, so long as you strive to stand up and recover every time you fall. Keep it up guys! We’ll back you up all the way!